it don't mean a thing

SHANA TOVA!!

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 12:44:12 GMT

starting today,

september 23rd, 2006,

rosh hashana,
(the jewish new year)

i am officially...

abstinent.

abstinent, celibate, whatever you want to call it.
i officially don't have sex.

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 11:56:28 GMT

1. i would like to take a moment to point out that i am 21 years old,
and i've already wasted my life.
i was going to be the 14 year old genius who already had her entire life planned out.
and was already highly respected in the film industry.
but i've squandered every opportunity i've been given.
and i've belittle every failed idea with comments like,
"well, at least i've got great hair!"
(though, i have had some really fantastic hairstyles in my life.)

2. WHY THE FUCK AM I WORKING SO HARD, SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY, AND STIFLING MY CREATIVITY SO MUCH... JUST IN ORDER TO BE "NORMAL?"

i literally woke up one morning and decided to be normal.
i decided to be pretty, and dress nicely, and stop being a freak.
i was so sick of it all.
even in OLYMPIA.
people staring at me,
the comments,
everyone wondering what was wrong with me.
why was i so strange.
why the tattoos?
why all the piercings?
why the baggy pants and the baggy shirts?
what's with all the strange layers and the strange sweatshirts and hats?
that is what [you] they [all] said.

so one day,
i decided to change.

here are some pictures...
before and after...

before.

what i remember the most / liked the best...
in CHARISMADDY! the clip where i do a little hair thing while wearing nikki d's hat.
i was wearing my black cut-off yoga pants,
a long sleeve black shirt,
and a blue bandana around my neck.
and black vans, i think.
i wish i could wear that again.
but i know i cant.

and now?

if you look close enough,
you'll notice that both my bag and my shoes perfectly match my sweater thingy.
all my jewelry goes perfectly together.
make-up is on perfectly.
hair is done perfectly.
and i probably spent the whole day re-applying my lip gloss so i looked perfect all day long.
IT IS FUCKING PATHETIC THAT I DO THIS.
IT IS FUCKING PATHETIC THAT I ENJOY DOING THIS.

so what now?
WHAT THE FUCK now?

- i'm sick of people staring at me.
- i'm sick of people calling me a "freak."
- i'm REALLY sick of people calling me a "dyke."
- i'm sick of people judging me by the way i look, the way i dress, the way i act, who i date, who i talk to, who i hang out with, the things i do.

all that fucking shit.
so really, fuck you, THE WORLD, for being so damn judgemental.
it's fucking me up, no kidding.

so right now, i try to be normal?
i guess.
i guess i keep trying to be normal.

though i'm fairly certain people see right through it.

this happened recently.
or something to this effect.

you: though i get the feeling you aren't exactly the "average girl"
me: yes i am
you: no i really don't think you are, yr unique
me: no i'm not, i'm just like everyone else

i'm trying so fucking hard.
I AM TRYING.

SO.

FUCKING.

HARD.

(it's like when i tried to pass as a boy.
that was fucking hard in the beginning,
and i never got past that.
i stopped trying to pass.
i became a girl again.)

please, world, please let me do this.

3. so, who am i?
well?
- i'm a lindy hopper, a girl who prefers leading over following.
- i guess i'm "bisexual" -- whatever that means.
- i'm a filmmaker who makes romantic comedies about slutty lesbians.
- i am suffocating without olympia.
- i am suffocating without YOU.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 11:45:12 GMT

a world that casts you out may forgive you now.
how shall i see you through my tears?

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 03:01:16 GMT

and 3 more...

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 02:02:09 GMT

i made these today.

i'm in a super duper romantic mood.
AND IT'S ALL YR FAULT.

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 01:43:25 GMT

things i am MOST scared of / things i could never imagine doing

- giving up on love

- having some kind of physical injury that would prevent me from lindy hopping

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 20:41:44 GMT

my band, THE SUPER CUTES,
is playing at Super Saturday at Evergreen,
(in olympia, yes)

Saturday June 17th, 2006.
noon fifteen/ish.

BE THERE!!!!

WE ARE SO CUTE,
and you love me,
SO BE THERE!!!!

and it's actually the last time we will ever be playing together.
and we have this new song that is UNBELIEVABLY adorable.

so yeah. see you thereeeeee.

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 04:57:47 GMT

the cubs are playing cincinnati on my birthday.

june 11th.
please win, cubbies.

for me?

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 08:38:05 GMT

i plan on having a threesome with these two girls in the near future.
the blonde is legal, however the brunette isn’t quite yet.

so, obviously i have to wait until after she turns 18 in december.
and then after that? i’m golden.

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 05:46:14 GMT

i really hate the feeling of oncoming tears.

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 23:52:41 GMT

The Reason We Are Not "Dating"

1. You are leading me on, because
a. You don’t like me, but are afraid to hurt my feelings.
b. You like me, but don’t know how to tell me you do.
c. You think it’s fun to fuck with my emotions.

2. You are just lazy and haven’t gotten around to making a move yet.

3. You want to take things very slowly, but for some reason can’t verbalize it.

4. You are simply waiting for the right moment.

Choose one of the above.

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 23:10:14 GMT

Boyfriend/Girlfriend (I'm not picky) application...

because I'm HELL OF bored.

1. Where would you say your clothing style comes from?

2. Are you allergic to polyamorous and/or bisexual people?

3. Do you use the internet often?

4. I will ignore you in order to attend lindy hop events.
Do you A. Stay at home, doing something else that weekend?
B. Come to the event with me, even though you don’t know how to dance and don’t care about it the way I do, and sit around sulking all weekend long?

5. Will you buy me cigarettes when I’m broke? And food… and candy?

6. Are you up for hanging out at completely random hours? My work schedule is strange and I never know when I’ll be free until I actually.

7. I am a sarcastic bitch. Can you take it? Can you, really?

8. I’m quite fickle and a Gemini, will that bother you?

9. Unless you are Annie Bethancourt, I’m in love with someone else. Can you get past it and not compare yrself to her, even though I’ll talk about her all the time?

10. Sometimes… I whine.
Do you A. Yell at me?
B. Just suck it up and take it?
C. Ignore me, thinking I’ll go away?

i have money!

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 16:52:02 GMT

it took about six hours, after receiving my first paycheck from desire video for it to settle into my mind.

for it to appear, actually.
really.
six hours! that's good for me.

if i wanted to, i could buy about eight grams of coke.

oh, how the mind simply relapses into old ideas.

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 12:57:25 GMT

1. i slept through swing dancing last night.
this job is messing up my sleeping schedule so much.

2. there is a girl who likes me,
but i like another girl,
and she likes someone else.

confused yet?
i sure am.

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 08:48:00 GMT

"so they say it was the year of the woman,
i believe it was the year of sex."
- rachael sage

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 07:25:46 GMT

i shouldn't be allowed to:

talk about myself

speak to other people at all

post bulletins on myspace

cry in public

drink alcohol

have crushes on people

go to concerts/shows of any sort

hang out at caffe vita

fall in love

reminisce

contemplate anything

watch rocketboom

i should only be allowed to:

lindy hop

swing dance, or dance any kind of dance

make films

write

be pretty

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 01:58:44 GMT

1. i have no cigarettes because i'm broke.

2. i have no food because i'm broke.

3. my ratties have no food because i'm broke.

4. lizzie mcguire, amy bradshaw, maria deluca, liz parker, and sydney bristow (the rodents) haven't eaten in almost a week, because i've had literally zero money.

5. i FINALLY have the ability to get a new driver's license! so i'm going to the DMV before work tomorrow.

6. i start work at desire video tomorrow at noon.

on a completely different note...

i hate it when really extraordinary people think badly of themselves.
when all i want to do is sit around and talk with them for hours.
or at least for a little while, and get to know them.
because i know i'll just be more and more amazed by them.

and all i want to do is grab them by the arms and shake them around and yell
"YOU ARE FUCKING FANTASTIC, OKAY!?"

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 02:30:16 GMT

so i went to the portland lindy exchange last night with jason wulf and kelsey blair.
we stayed at gabby’s house.

me at gabby’s.

outside of the place where the late night dance was, there was a strange sign on the wall…

totally odd.

we woke up this morning and went to get bagels. then kelsey, jason, and i headed over to the afternoon dance in pioneer square.

on the way, we took a picture of me with a seal…

yay! for lindy hoppers taking over pioneer square.
it was so much fun.

on the way home we stopped at a gas station.
the gas took LITERALLY forever to pump.
it was going ridiculously slow.
we were there for 25 minutes, at least, and we got $4 worth of gas in the car…

we utilized our time and the random crap in the back of my car and had sooo much fun.
we played with my skip-it.

skip it! skip it!

then we played with some sidewalk chalk i found in my car.

ahhh! maddy is dead!

when we dropped kelsey off at evergreen, we took the cutest picture of the three of us!

jason, me, kelsey.
all totally stoked about having such a great friday night at saturday day.

all in all it was FUCKING GREAT!!
seeing emily and the eugene kids, oh mang.
i had some really fantastic dances with some really fantastic people.
i love lindy exchanges.
seriously!!!! i wish i could have stayed for the rest of the weekend,
but that wasn’t even an option.
for any of us.

soooo good, though.
so good.

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 14:47:13 GMT

1. i've been unbelievably emotional recently.
crying while watching "sky high."
laughing hysterically at my self for crying,
and then crying some more.

2. i lost my wallet this past weekend.
this REALLY sucks.
like, i don't think you know how much this sucks.

3. last weekend i kissed a girl.
okay, i kissed a lot of girls.
but i kissed one that i have a crush on.
so that is a good thing.

4. i really need a fucking driver's license.
(that was already lost, before the whole wallet disappeared.)

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 02:32:08 GMT

so recently, i've been obsessed with being "pretty."
i've used the word "pretty" to describe all sorts of things.

i'm obsessseeeedddd.

so i'm cutting my hair, and growing it out into a cute pixie like hair cut.

and i'm going shopping tonight with nikki d.
at the goodwill, of course.
but i'm only buying pretty clothes.
nothing fun or crazy.
just pretty.

leave me alone, i don't care what you think.
AGH!!!!
i'm going to be pretty if it's the last thing i do.

I'M OPENING FOR SCREAM CLUB!!!!

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 00:50:03 GMT

I’M PLAYING A SHOW!!!!

February 25th, 2006

Scream Club
Nicky Click
Huh-Uh
Maddy Boom

$5
9pm @ Hava’s house
803 Jefferson (Corner of 8th and Jefferson)

All proceeds benefit the Grrrls Rock project!
http://www.grrrlsrock.bravehost.com

EVERYONE HAD BETTER BE THERE!!!!

(oh yeah, this is in OLYMPIA,
for those of you who don’t live here.)

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 12:41:18 GMT

what are these feelings?

it's not jealousy, right?
(please say it's not jealousy.)

is this what this is supposed to feel like?
it's been so long, i don't even remember?

i remember being upset when spencer hung out with all of our friends who were girls.
i remember being upset when spencer hung out with his ex-girlfriend.
i remember being upset, angry, crying when spencer did anything with any girl that wasn't me.

i also remember not remotely caring that emily lived with her boyfriend.
or watching sarah kiss her boyfriend.
or hearing that my current girlfriend had made out with an ex-girlfriend.
or listening to kat talk about some threesome she had the night before.
or hanging out with natalie's boyfriend.

but i do remember absolutely hating pat.
and not being able to touch amanda knowing she had sex with another girl.
and almost punching fran out on that street corner.
and, you know, the whole caitlin/rachel night of drunken ridiculousness.

i don't know anything of what's going on right now.
anything of what i'm feeling.
what is this?
seriously, what is this?
i would really like to know.
(can someone please tell me?)

right?
will someone please just tell me i've gone insane?

"Whoa, Whoa, I'm waiting (she says it's magic)
for the breakdown (I'm floating weightless)
whoa, whoa, I'm waiting (she says it's magic)
for the comedown (here comes the breakdown)"
[thank you MAE for understanding everything about me.]

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 01:20:34 GMT

http://www.myspace.com/charismaddy

that is where my VLOG is posted.

the prequel episode is on the main page.
the first two episodes are posted in the blog section.

GO LOOK GO LOOK GO LOOK GO LOOK!!!!

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 01:01:40 GMT

wow...

there are so many hot girls in olympia i just didn't notice until i started hanging out downtown every day.

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 06:26:41 GMT

i'm at an 80s party at spenser's house,

and somebody crimped my bi-hawk.